Imma Dragon Kick You in the Neck

The bro has always been a kung fu and comic book aficionado and because the sis is a much more demure and ladylike even back in the day, I ended up being the unfortunate and unwilling sparring partner/victim.  To be fair, this is not always to my detriment.  Since I do not fashion myself a kung fu disciple, correct form and fighting stance are of no concern to me and I was always willing to fight dirty.  I am told by the fam that I was often quite ruthless and would claw the shit out of the bro with my natty little 8 y.o. nails.  However, I would like everyone to know that the bro is no hero either and he would often launch sneak attacks when I least expected. This almost always happens when I'm reading or watching TV on the couch and he would ambush with a dragon kick--literally sticking his fuckin foot up my ass. Being a portly dude he of course was unable to execute the flying dragon kick with the panache illustrated above by Bruce Lee or in his many many HK action comic books. Usually he would be pretend-reading or pretend-watching TV and the next thing you know, we are engaged in combat and he would have his foot up my ass.  It was some fucked up bullshit.

This week has been filled with annoying people from all walks of life that were asking for a good swift dragon kick Bruce Lee style.  While mentioning this in convo I was surprised that not everyone has been properly schooled in this specific from of asskickery and hence I felt I needed to share this important tradition in my peep's rich cultural history.  If I weren't so old (the acupuncturist said I might be developing arthritis in my wrist) and so cheap (looked into it a few weeks ago but balked at the prices), I would be signing up for some martial arts classes with the specific goal of perfecting a flying dragon side kick right now. I'm quite convinced that if I could kick like that I would be leading a completely different life. To start, that's how I would make my entrance and exit everywhere I roll.  More importantly, skillz like that would have guaranteed my place in a badass dance crew. In my young adulthood it was my dream to be a rap music video ho.  Now that I'm old and 2x the age of the dancers, I regret not ever belonging to a dance crew whenever I watch movies like Step Up 3D or shows like America's Best Dance Crew.

While lamenting the missed life path of a music video ho and dance crew member, Jenny cruelly reminded me that we never went down that road because we weren't that good. She reminded me of the time when we signed up for classes in a studio in Hollywood where actual pro's go and we were older than everybody and were the worst dancers in the class.  Prior to that dream shattering event we had assumed that we would pick up choreography with no problem and that back up singing/dancing was a very real and viable option for both of us.  I had effectively wiped that soul crusher out of my mind until now.

I still maintain that I could be an extra in club scenes. I might not be able to be in the dance battle scenes, but I can totally be one of the extras who are onlookers. I can totally spectate and shoulder shrug/side step til kingdom come. Ya heard, Hollywood?? Imma ready for my moment.