Bro's Greatest Hits Part 1

The bro, whether intentionally or unintentionally, utters some of the most unbelievably funny shit.  I thought I'd take this opportunity to highlight some of his greatest hits in pithy maxims.

On my 30th birthday:
This is pretty much your best by/expiration date.  It's all downhill from here.

On his 37th birthday:
Bro: Haaaaiiiii [that's a Cantonese sounding sigh] You're so lucky that your life is only 1/3 over. Mine's already more than half over.
W: What the hell are you talking about????!!!
Bro:  Don't you know that women live longer? Statistically speaking my life expectancy is shorter than you so I'm halfway to dying.

On ordering only meat in restaurants:
Vegetables are under $1 per lb in the market whereas steak is $12 so you can't order vegetables. It's not a good deal.

At buffets:
[rubbing tummy in discomfort] I've eaten 1 soup, 6 oysters, 8 sushi, 1 prime rib, 3 glasses of OJ and a plate of other stuff. I should be making money on this by now. But I'm gonna get some more OJ and oysters to make sure.

On my complaint that people who talk in theaters are annoying:
Yeah! We're there to talk to the screen! Not to each other!

On people he thinks are unattractive:
He/She looks ugly. Looks like (s)he smells. Badly.

On the movie Diary of Wimpy Kid:
That kid was an asshole. It was an awesome movie.

On the movie Revolutionary Road:
That movie is basically what happens if Kate Winslet and Leonardo di Crappio [intentional misspelling. Bro thinks he's very funny and clever for coming up with this nickname] had ended up together in the other movie Titanic. He'd find out that she is a raging fucking bitch. And this is what happens. Mwahaha! HA! AWESOME!!!

On the movie Precious:
That movie was done well but it was fucked up. The happy shit they show on TV are dream sequences. Her life fuckin sucks and then she gets AIDS. Yup. That movie's fucked up.

Helping the 7 y.o. niece on her General Studies homework and explaining the difference between living and non-living things:
Bro: What is fur?
Niece: Um...living? No, non-living. ???
Bro: That was a trick question. I'm teaching you that in life there are curve balls.
Niece: What's "fur"?
Bro: It is basically something that is unnecessary, esp in HK. It is something that rich people buy to show off how much money they have.
[Confused laughter from the niece]

During his many injuries (wrist, ankle, back, finger):
It fuckin hurt! I wasn't even in the mood to take a dump!

Yeah that's right. Those are real sentences. Spoken by the bro.  And this is only a sampling of his many many bon mots.  I gotta write these treasures down when I hear them so I can share them for later on.