Badass Motherfucker of the Week

Earlier this week I had an exceedingly gluttonous lunch at a fine eating establishment called Umami Burger.  Ironically this restaurant that celebrates artery clogging food items is located in a trendy overpriced where the rich and skinny whitefolk purchase their $500 jeans and $200 t-shirts.  You'd think it would be the worst juxtaposition and pity the fool that came up with this combo but you would be wrong. This is because we are in the town that embraces overpriced "quality" casual wear and thus also a town that is giddy over overpriced casual food.  Normally I would be looking upon this with disdainful scorn but good eats is good eats, and I do loves me some fried shit and tasty, delectable meat in between delicious buns, and this is some real shit right here.  I will show you how real real can get.  Between the boss-man and myself, we polished off the signature Umami Burger, a Truffle Burger, French fries with house ketchup, sweet potato fries with garlic aioli and cheese stuffed tater tots.  The boss-man said in apprehension when I told him all the fried stuff I planned to get, "You are shitting me, right?" and told me no way.  That's when I threw down and said: Oh Yeah? Watch me! and ordered up all that fried stuff.  It was fuckin amaaaazing! By the way we really had no trouble finishing the food.  Well maybe a little trouble, but we powered through it like real soldiers.  Wha-whaaaaa~~~!!

However, this heroic tale is not about me. This epic triumph is merely a prelude leading up to the real Badass Motherfucker of the Week, and the honor belongs to Takeru Kobayashi.  While fondly recounting my own conquest, I was reminded of the real champions of competitive eating and remembered record breaking Kobayashi, who recently made headlines (aol headlines, not real news headlines) over July 4 weekend when he got arrested.  He bumrushed the stage during the annual Nathan's July 4 hot dog eating contest on Coney Island.  The ex champ was barred from competing because he refused to sign an exclusive agreement that ties him to this one eating league and so he tried to crash the party and force his way to chow down some hot dogs on stage once the feastin began. 

This got me to thinking how a relatively small man of 140 lbs can manage to eat so much and I got to doing some research on the google.  According to the internet, Kobayashi takes all this very seriously and trains everyday. By training I don't just mean eating, which he does by making sure he has at least one meal that consists of 20 lbs of high fiber food such as cabbage and drinks gallons and gallons of water in order to stretch his stomach out, but he also works out like an outta control batshit crazy mad man. The guy is fuckin ripped!!! He has an 8-pack! Allegedly he can bench 300-400lbs, exercises for 3+ hrs a day, and has 9% body fat.  He says he doesn't want fat on his tummy since that prevents his stomach from stretching out.  He holds several world records--58 bratwurst sausages in 10 mins, 41 lobster rolls in 10 mins, 100 char siu baos (bbq pork buns) in 12 mins, 20 lbs of rice balls in 30 mins and too many more to list.  The guy is awesome in that I am in complete and utter awe.  I'm also very scared and grossed out, but awed nevertheless.

As I'm writing I am seeing the local news report that charges against Kobayashi are dropped. Go America! Go justice system!  It's a great day for good ole American freedom and for eaters worldwide.